"First, He Said..." Part 1: Leaning Leads to Falling Sometimes

This is a scary post for me. Because it leaves me exposed. That’s what I like about it. It means I’m leaning just beyond the edge of my comfort zone.

Late last week an uncharacteristically crude post appeared in this space. It has since been removed (along with an equally – if not more – crude post from February). Mind you, I find nothing wrong with the crudeness of these posts. I do not think that they exceeded the etiquette of an anonymous blog setting. If such an etiquette even exists. I even assumed that it might offend some who might be following this blog. That’s not the problem I had with these posts. That is not why they were removed. Additionally, the posts were not lacking in truth or authenticity – at least as to the extent of their content. That is not why they were removed. There are two reasons why these posts were removed. The first I have lightly alluded to: leaning beyond the edge of my comfort zone. So let me expound on the first reason first.

I am persuaded that leaning beyond my level of comfort, my edge, is essential for my growth. As I strive to reach the fullness of myself in any area of life I’ve always believed that it is essential to step just a little bit over the edge – out of my comfort zone. I have found that especially true of my Developing Domdentity”. For me, being HoH is a struggle of monumental proportions. A struggle against a veritable tsunami of inculcated societal norms and popular culture ideas that, simply put, say, “Hey! Don’t do that!” I have a clear idea of where I’m going in TTWD and confess that I am a bit anxious to shed the confining strait jacket of upbringing and misguided feminism.

Leaning beyond the edge of my comfort zone is not a bad thing. It’s a good thing. It’s a good thing, that is, until I make the mistake of so aggressively violating that edge, that it actually leads to a distortion – if not false – presentation of who I really am at the moment. After all, isn’t it in the moments where life is played out - for real? Isn’t it in the moments where life is lived - for real? Isn’t it in the moments where life is enjoyed and love is made - for real? Clearly the moments are for being real. These posts were an aggressive violation of my edge. In other words, although they were how I felt, they are not authentically who I am.

I'm not so concerned about the external “presentation”. That's least important to me. I mean, where else can one go to express themselves in a socially unacceptable way but their own anonymous weblog? But when I aggressively violate the edge of my comfort zone in that way, there is an internal distortion of myself – a lack of authenticity – that goads my soul toward higher wisdom.

At the root of it all is my fear; fear of not advancing; fear of not growing. My fear of not being the man, the husband, the champion, the hero, the HoH that I desire to become. Fear has sometimes left me short on effort. I don't wanna be short on effort in "this thing we do". That’s the last thing I wanna be. But that same fear sometimes makes me lean way too far. Aggressively far. This lack of compassion for my own comfort zone – and the fake fearlessness – invariably leads to falling – and oftentimes foolishness. Both are regression – especially foolishness. And regression immediately puts one into recapture mode, that is, trying to recapture past advances rather than moving on to new ones. So wrapped up in all this you can see both the reason the posts appeared: fear of stagnating and a desire to grow. And you can see the first reason for the removal of the posts: I reached too far out of myself.

The second reason for removal of the posts began a quake that would shake my Domdentity to its core. It created personal consternation, prompted self-examination and exposed all of the self doubt that that bleeds through the first reason for removing them. You can imagine what a personal struggle it was for me when SugarAnne strongly requested that I remove the post.

One of the reasons I struggled with this was that she wasn’t able to explain to me why she felt it should be removed. Nevertheless she was highly upset. So in an attempt to appease her, I initially edited the post. Grossly edited it. In a lot respects I was okay with that. But she wasn’t. I had already reconciled on a personal level that the post really shouldn’t be up there. I knew I had aggressively violated the edge of my comfort zone. I knew it wasn't me. I didn't fool myself and I didn't fool the person who commented, "Are you all right BabyMan?"

But at that point to totally remove a post that concluded with the bold statement, “Cuz-I-can!” would clearly send the message that, well, “I can’t”. She wanted it removed. Totally. Completely. I needed an explanation. I didn’t want to remove it based on her request alone - without a clear explanation. If I did that it would be a death blow to the Domdentity I was already struggling with. Who’s blog is this anyway? And what was she so hurt, angry, mad about. A couple comments made her look like the envy of the TTWD community that day.

My developing Domdentity spiraled downward with the plans of the evening. And by the time the beams of the morning sun sprouted above the horizon, it had unraveled completely. More about that struggle in Part 2.

Here’s what “She Said…”.