Thursday, December 16, 2010

“The Breath of a Pit Bull”

It’s been a tough week for Sugar. There’s still snow on the ground from last weekend’s big drop; the temperature has been hovering in the teens; and the wind chill's got the bark of a pit bull and a bite to match. All week long that pit bull has chased SugarAnne back into the house. One day it even undercut my authority. She was tasked to go to the gym. But because of the cold she refuuuuused to go.

“I guess you’ll be able to get your ‘tweed’ on tonight”, she wrote in a chat message.

"Why? What do you mean?” (I’m actually thinking, “Oh no, what the hell unfixable thing did you do?!”)

“It’s cold outside”, she says. (I think: “Duh. Who doesn’t know that?”)

"Yes, I know”, I sanitized my internal sarcasm for external delivery.

“I’m not going out there!” She says.

I’m-not-going-out-there? I was so caught off guard by this last line that I actually tilted my head up to make sure that I was looking down through the most powerful part of my lenses. I squinted and slowly lowered my head until I could see those fateful words with the sharpest focus and clarity available. I just wanted to be sure that what I was seeing was actually what I was seeing. And that's exactly what I was seeing! Perhaps I had a virus that affected my vision. Nah. Maybe the computer had a virus? Nah. Perhaps she had a virus! Perhaps.

But there they were: “I’m not going out there" – followed by the ubiquitous exclamation point!

I mean, I can’t be seeing this! This cannot be true. It is not possible that these words were uttered from the loving pixelips of Her Royal (characteristically compliant) Sweetness. Surely there is something wrong with the World Wide Web – a glitch, perhaps, in the configuration of the electromagnetic forces, fields, rays and waves that pull and push words from keyboard to the screen and on to the screens all over the world. The World Wide Web was obviously broken!!

“Really.” My response was more a statement than a question.

“It’s just too cold”, she said. And the chat went silent for a moment.

I’m just not quite sure I’m believing this. At this point I could’ve picked up the phone and gotten to the heart of the matter. But I kinda like these chat exchanges we have each day. We actually get each other – even in chat.

I break the silence.

“You always have a choice in these matters Sugar” I veil my threat at first.

“But you’ll regret it.” Uh-oh! Here we go! It-is-on! I put my electronic bark up against the bite of the pit bull.

“I’m not going out there!” Wha’th-? There it is again! That frickin’ glitch!

"MickyD’s 3:16”, I say.

"???” She doesn’t understand.

“Have it your way”, I clarify.

“That was actually a Burger King campaign”. Oh no she di’int! She MUST have a virus!

“You know what I mean!” If the glitch were equal opportunity those letters would’ve been capitalized.

“I’m going to bed”.

That being settled we went on to chat quite amicably about other unrelated stuff. I spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon nervously planning a big “tweed” event. And event that outright defiance called for. 

The reality of Sugar’s outright defiance was driven home quite humorously later that afternoon. It was as if God was watching out for her. I had the unusual (and unfortunate) opportunity to be called out of the office in the late afternoon – the warmest part of the day mind you. I park in a garage but I had to stop for gas.

And when I stepped out of my car the breath of that pit bull wrapped around me and the damned thing bit me right on the ass! All I could say was “OH-MY-GOD!” And I said it out loud too (yeah, I’m the pastor - smirk). I, quite literally, quelled the urge to say to other people pulling up to the pump, “DON’T! Don’t get outta your car!!” I'm serious. I was freezing my ass off!

Needless to say, the plans for a big “tweed” event were blown away by the breath of that pit bull. Yeah, I got the paddle out when I got home. I postured; even threw a little intimidation around – at first. But ended up laughingly explaining how I came to understand her outright defiance. Amnesty International is not one of my charities. But amnesty was in order and amnesty was bestowed.

But don’t think I didn’t spend a few spanks - loving spanks that is - on her willing bottom.


  1. That's why we finally bought a treadmill! We all hated going out in bad weather to use the equipment at the the Y. (And yes, we do use the treadmill.)

  2. It is really cold; it's been about 5 degrees here most of the time and I am really sick of it. If theres' a reason to stay in bed this would be it! :)
    I can NOT believe we have to put up with this crap for three more months :(

    Saying that I have had to get up at 6 every morning and bundle up three little kids; even in snow and danged ole nasty yucky coldness. But I really would LOVE to have stayed home!

  3. Oh yeah, I hate pumping gas in the winter. I will almost run out of gas trying to avoid the inevitable. I'm glad you realized SugarAnne was just being sensible :)

    ps. I love the cartoon!

  4. B'Man - Glad you realized where SA was coming from! I like the treadmill idea - maybe you could get one for her so she doesn't have to go out in the cold. Also, I think it's funny you still found a way to get your "tweed" on, even if she didn't do anything wrong. Leave it to a man... ;) Here's to warmer weather!


  5. B'Man, You are a good guy - no push over by any means but a reasonable man. I say wii instead of a treadmill because you can change it up so much. Better yet lets all move to the Bahamas! I'm in the south and still freezing that part of my anatomy off!


  6. Anonymous: I'm sure we'd use our treadmill too. Both of our closets are getting pretty tight. We need somewhere to hang the overflow of clothes. Glad you stopped by!

    SS: I do not envy your daily routine. It's thankless and rewarding at the same time. Hopefully it won't be so bad over the course of the winter. That last line sounds like a cat scratch though. If that's a tinge of envy, take it up with your girlfriend when you guys are in chat. But if it makes you feel any better, I would've LOVED to stay home too! Thanks. I feel better. Misery loves company.

    Ally: I understand that in New Jersey they don't allow people to pump their own gas. Now that's as "sensible as SugarAnne" (coining a new phrase). Thanks for chiming in.

    RW: By a thin stretch of the imagination I did get my "tweed" on. But I have to be honest, I don't root for it and it makes me very nervous, but there is something about administering a real punishment that intensely excites me. For now I am willing to settle for loving spanks. It's always good to see you.

    PK: Yes, I AM a good guy AND a reasonable man - at least I try to be. Yes, you gusys are getting hit hard in the south. The Bahamas sounds great! Let's do it! Thanks for the compliment AND good idea.

  7. The correcting thing,I do that too,with the same results and yet it still happens.

  8. Well, B'Man! Funny how the Lord brings little things along our frozen path. Funny how something hitting one end can open the other end (ass to eyes)? Looks to me like God got his TWWD in, and you still got to have a little fun twwd at the same time. Sounds like it worked out all right for both of you.



  9. B'man, I'm sure you looked just like the minister you are when you invoked the name of the Almighty.

    Occasionally we HoH's need something to remind us to be humble, so thanks for you using yours to remind people like me.

    I confess, spanking my wife excites me, too, and I still don't know what to make of that, but there it is.

  10. I think you're soft for that woman, and that's lovely!

  11. Scoooonge! (My phonetics might need correcting on that ;).
    I don’t mind the “correcting thing” most times. We actually have an inside joke about it. SugarAnne is a wealth of correct information when I’m wrong. I value that and need it. So I don’t deter it. I was just surprised that she would take that particular moment to do so.
    But if YOU must correct, go on it’s okay, correct the my phonetics on your name. Thanks Scunge.

    Kady: Yep, I was thinking the same thing about ketchup! It works the same way. I would rather not be on the receiving end though ;)
    At any rate, it all worked out very well. I was able to err on the side of reasonableness, and yet, still get a little “tweed” on. Thanks Kady.

    Mick: Yes, I had to look spiritual because I certainly didn’t sound like it! I’m glad my pride could remind you to be humble. The things I do for you man...the things I do...
    Thanks Mick.

    Sara: Yes I am. And I think she thinks it’s lovely too!
    Also, I am VERY to glad to hear from you. Welcome home.

  12. I'd love to have seen your face when you got out of the car and I certainly know where SugarAnne is coming from. It's been really cold her -15 in places and that's cold.


  13. B'man I had to chuckle when I read about you pumping gas. I could picture you standing there at the pump jumping up and down flapping your arms trying to stay warm as the thing slowly dripped penny after penny in...any other time you would had $20 in in a heart beat.

    I am sort of in the middle of the US on the east coast and it has been cold all week. My state is considered a southern state but obviously old man winter doesn't know that. I think I am buying him a GPS for Christmas.

  14. OH, my LIFE!!!!!
    I was all set to write a reply, but as I read Annie saying about the the thing slowly dripped the PENNIES in...
    sheesh, we don't have time to get cold pumping "gas" here. It takes approx 5 seconds to pump in $2 worth. I timed it when I filled up yesterday. I put in £50 worth (about $80) and it took 3 minutes 12 seconds. xxxxxxxxxxxx

  15. ronnie:'s been really cold. The cold has a deeply negative affect on SugarAnne. It always has. It not only affects her body (as it does us all) it affects her mood and can send her spiraling into the dumpster lickety split. And I'm sure my face told the whole story of the empathetic ephiphany I was experiencing.

    All I gotta say is:
    "We gotta get outta this place, if it's the last thing we ever do. Girl there's a better life for me and you." The Animals 3:16.

    Annie: Yep, I seem to pick the slowest pumps on the coldest days. I cut my pumping short but that just means I've got to step out there again. Old Man Winter is probably confused - with the broken World Wide Web and all.

    Daisychain: It probably like the tropics there compared to here. But our gas is cheaper I suppose. I was actually gonna fart to generate some heat but my ass was froze off!

  16. Did I mention I LOVE California winters!!! Oh it's a cold one today...we are only suppose to reach the low 60's...BURRRR!!!!!

    Sure you don't want to take that Christmas vacation out here??? You are both more then welcome to.

    Oh and just to be more obnoxious, just a mood. Perhaps if you let SugarAnne have a dog she would have to go out and exercise regardless of the temperature. The dog would need a walk even if it's cold!!! Just a thought!!!!

    Have a great week!

  17. I agree with Sugar, way too cold! A pastor, eh? It's always the religious 'ones' that are the worst....:-) jk I think underneath it all you are a teddy bear...which was not my initial gatherings. Amnesty is good!

  18. Oh Janet...60s! Burrr? Oh-em-gee. Appreciate the offer for vacation. Not in the cards at this time. Dog? You're so aggravatingly thoughtful!

    Judy: It's already determined that I am a "teddy beast". Amnesty is the teddy part. I'm glad it's clouding your "initial gatherings".

  19. A little FYI for you B'Man and others Scunge rhymes with Sponge!

  20. B'Man
    So nice of you to let her off the hook. My Gosh it's cold out there. I'm inside right now...heat cranked with two pairs of socks on with my feet tucked under the bottoms of my sweats. A t-shirt, a sweatshirt over that and a robe on top of that and I'm still freezing!!! I saw the teddy bear in you peeking out after reading this post...BUSTED!!!
    BTW: I'm curious though...
    This comment here...

    That being settled we went on to chat quite amicably about other unrelated stuff. I spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon nervously planning a big “tweed” event. And event that outright defiance called for.

    You men plan these TWEED events out in your head ahead of time? I never really thought about that...guess I kinda just thought it unfolded its own way. It makes me a little nervous thinking some of these TWEED events are pre-thought out! That can't be good!!!!

    Tammy :)

  21. Scunge: I'm probably the only one who needed that. I tend to abuse pronounciations of words and names. Duly (and gleefully) noted. Thanks for the clarification.

  22. Tammy: The reality is that the anticipation of applying punishment makes me incredibly anxious and nervous. Leading up to it I am never really sure if I will be able to actually pull it off (correctly). So I plan a framework (location, position, implements) so that I can be somewhat sure that a) She gets what she needs (deserves?)and not more; b) I get what I need (and not less); and c) that it's enough to drastically reduce the chances of the infraction occuring again (I do want to avoid punishments in the future).

    And yes, it can't be good. And yet, the execution thereof is very good to my soul. I cannot explain the dichotomy.

  23. B-man~ Great post! I love that you realized how cold it was! So funny, all us christians.. slip up now and then... My husband is constantly telling me that my mouth writes checks that my bottom can't cash! :-0

    Thanks for sharing! Glad you were soft on sugaranne!

  24. Thanks Audra..."soft" is my middle name...well no it isn't really. But all of this talk about soft could get the poor girl in real big trouble next time.

  25. I simply love your sense of humor!

  26. Fuck Toy...Thank you very much! And I'm not sure how I missed responding to your commnent. Sorry about that. I hope that I am forgiven.


Thoughts, comments, witticisms, funny stuff