Sunday, June 13, 2010

"Owning Up, Weeding Out and Expressing Darkness"

This State Farm Insurance TV ad has been running in our area. The ad features three different women and a State Farm insurance guy. You could say that these three different women together represent a single woman. The ad also features three guys. It’s clear to understand that the three guys are, together, the embodiment of a single man: the ideal man.



It’s the guys that caught my attention – all played by the same guy (I think). There’s the purple shirt unbuttoned down to here, peering over the rim of his dark sunglasses, foot on the bumper “hot guy” – with his I’m so hot and I know it tone of voice, “W’sup?”

Then there’s the knit cap, unpretentious striped sweatshirt, gently cradling a bunny rabbit, loving smile “sensitive guy”, with his don’t you just love this little bunny tone of voice, “He’s a rescue”.

And finally, there’s the calculatedly mussed hair, tattooed bicep, dressed in all black, sitting on top of car, one boot rebelliously on the trunk “dark side guy”, with his I’m a mystery so don’t try to get to know me but try to get to know me tone of voice, “Yo”.

Whether male and female we are each a conglomeration of different personas. For whatever reason, upbringing, stigma or acceptability, we’re more comfortable with some parts of our selves than we are with other parts. I tend to think that most people struggle with their dark side.

Some women love the dark side of a man (the brunette’s response to “dark side” is priceless isn’t it?) “Dark side ravishes them and taps into their own darkness. With “dark side” they can maintain their “good girl” status while fulfilling their “bad girl” desires.

When me and SugarAnne began “this thing we do”, I often wrestled with my dark side. I struggled with it. My “Domdentity” I call it. I’m thankful for our TTWD “neighborhood” (our combined blog rolls) which has been informative and helpful – not to mention supportive as I experimented with ideas and possibilities as I laid the foundation of my “Domdentity”.

But a just “link-frog” away from our own relatively docile TTWD “neighborhood” is a world wide web that is a veritable whirlwind of titillating darkness of hurricaniacal proportions. Specifics are not important since dark is subjective. What is dark to one is a shining light to another.

In the past I couldn’t get a handle on all this darkness. It became an encephalitic-like bloating that, when reaching its full capacity, would cause my mind to just pop! SFPHUPT! A couple of times I projectile vomited all over your QWERTY little keyboards with some relatively distasteful and uncharacteristically crude unfiltered BabyMan brain matter. Read about the battle royale with Her Royal Sweetness here  (my thoughts) and here (her thoughts).

But over the past few months I’ve had to face front-on my “dark side”. I’ve had to own up to it; weed out that which is not beneficial our relationship; and finally and most importantly, open up an avenue of communication, experimentation (rather than blog vomit) and expression that benefits our marriage and satisfies our souls. That open avenue is an “armor of light” that allows our darkness to be seen – and not dangerously hidden.

Neo Tom Dom said in his "Radical Departure" post the other day, “My relationship with my [wife] is more important to me than fulfilling my every [dark] desire”. He’s right. That’s important.

At the end of the ad the State Farm insurance man commands “dark side guy” quite directly:

“Feet off the car dark side”.

“Dark side”, whether pricked by upbringing or conscience, immediately responds. He takes his feet off the car.

I’ve come to own my dark side. I’ve weeded out some non-beneficial things. And because I’ve opened up avenues of communication, experimentation and expression, I have a pretty good idea of when to ravish rebelliously, and when to take my feet off the car.

10 comments:

  1. I can relate, I've been in a process of opening my eyes to the side of me that is totally unacceptable to me. But like you said we are multifaceted people and not perfect. I'm even at odds sometimes with the kinky side, which I don't consider bad or dark - but dark isn't always that far off. It takes some navigating, for both partners.

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  2. Ally: Yes our kinks can really freak us out. It was that totally unacceptable to me part of me that had me blowing a gasket a few months back. I didn't know what to do with that. But owning up to it was the first part of dealing with it and communication, the crown of our navigation, determines whether we keep it or discard it.
    Thanks for your comment.

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  3. Hmm... even though the blog vomit may have been very hurtful to SugarAnne, ultimately that experience has helped you to come to this point, yes? I'm sure for that you both are very grateful. I tend to be the same way in terms of testing the unknown murky waters of my comfort zone, only to be reined back in sooner rather than later, usually humbled and a little wiser- aka a good trip over Tom's lap. Of course I am very thankful, but I often wonder what is actually in it for him, for you, for any HOH out there. It's a tough job!

    There is a quote by C.S Lewis, who I love, and he said: "Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." It's simple, but fitting :)

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  4. Charlotte, yes the blog vomit experience was a great growth point.

    HoH IS a tough job but it's the relational benefits that make it worth it. I'm sure Tom understands.

    Ole' C.S. was pretty bright fella wasn't he?

    Thanks for hangin' out.

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  5. I really thought this was great, and important to talk about. How can we find our inner selves if we don't allow ourselves to look and explore? And there is a fine line between being discerning, and judgemental in a negative way. I think there needs to be some space we give ourselves to figure things out, to grow. Sometimes we make mistakes. I think that kinda needs to be ok, or you decide to stay stagnant.

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  6. Great post. It's hard sometimes to accept all of who we are, and to accept that we ARE who we are. Sometimes there are things that need to be changed, but often the things we think are wrong are simply at odds with our particular culture or upbringing. Finding out the difference between wrong vs. "feels wrong" and weeding or accepting things accordingly is a daunting task indeed. Thanks for sharing. :)

    -RW

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  7. Sara: RW: I agree. We all need to - and need to be allowed to - investigate the area that lies between our emotional boundaries (what we're uncomfortable with but may indulge) and our intellectual boundaries (what we know is out of the question). Compassionate movement is critical: stretching not breaking. Thanks for the comment.

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  8. i have this funny way of analysing everything around me to death. i don't know when i started doing this. but one day i saw another ad on tele and i felt it was really meaningful (and that is rare)...
    it's nice that you identify yourself with the ad!
    and we all have our dark sides, what is acceptable and what we can do is based on our principals, morals and conscience.
    so if none of those are prickin' you or flashing a neon sign. then i say what the heck GO AHEAD!

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  9. and sorry for the late comment... got a bit tracked off.

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  10. There she is! My long lost friend. Good to see you back in circulation. Thanks for the thought. Better late than never.

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