Hi B'Man (and others),
I'm a lurker on DD blogs, have been for a while now. This is my first comment! I really enjoy reading your blog and SugarAnne's as well. I'm not married, but I sometimes consider DD in the back of my mind when I think about marriage.
My question is: what happens when the wife is the one with all the pet peeves? Let's say you have these pet peeves about cleanliness and orderliness - you hope that SugarAnne wants to follow them not because you can spank her, but because they're important to you and she respects that. The spanking is just a tool that you can use to make it really happen. In my case, my boyfriend doesn't care as much about cleanliness, while I have enough pet peeves that you could run power plants off the steam that comes out of my ears. I know he would want to respect me and try to follow them, but I don't get any tools to enforce it. Isn't that unfair? If the HoH has the higher standards, he can enforce them. If the wife has higher standards, she has to lower them to those of the HoH?
To the Reader submitting the question:
Thanks for delurking and making a comment on the blog. I am submitting your question to the wider wisdom of the readership to which it was directed. I am hopeful that persons more qualified than I would render an opinion and that you will be able to distill the wisdom and glean what would work for you from the myriad of ways that your question is handled in other relationships.
I'm sure I have a peeve or two (or three) that ticks Sugar off but her temperament about these things are very different from mine. And that goes a long way toward harmony in our relationship. One thing is certain for me: the privilege of a Dd relationship with Sugar, and particularly her consent to be disciplined, instills and inspires in the deepest heart of me a desire to do better for her. Through Dd I have experienced a swelling up in me of a need to look out for her best interests; a stronger desire to care for her; a more passionate love for her; and an intense desire to keep her happy. I can't really explain it but a Dd relationship built on love, communication, trust and integrity would and should produce positive changes in both parties.
I started to comment on the Biblical obligations of the husband and wife but as I write them out the less it seems to apply. What comes to my mind now is unconditional love. I love my husband. I love him even though he is not perfect. Some of the things he does drives me up the wall. I talk to him before I reach the boiling point. If we can not come to an agreement, I go to God in prayer. There if find the piece I need to accept him just the way he is. I don’t need a way to discipline him for these pet peeves of mine. I just take 2 more seconds to rinse his tooth paste out of the sink and pick up trail of clothes leading to the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteLittle Missie
This brings up a valid argument and I just asked my husband Craig what he thought would be fair if he constantly did something that he knew bothered me? See we haven't had this problem too much because he is the neat freak and Im not. He said that since there is no way he'd let me spank him.. He he shocking I know!!! Lol but seriously he said we might have to take away something.., or lose a privilege? I am still a bit shocked he would suggest that... But he also said that marriage is a compromise and we would have to sit down and discuss the specific issues in a respectful manner and decide together what consequences would result in not meeting certain tasks... I know that in my experience that everytime I've expressed a pet peeve he has made a serious effort to not repeat whatever it is that bothers me..,
ReplyDeleteThat said I have heard of some couples who follow the Spencer plan which basically allows both partners to spank the other.. If you google it you will find it..
It wouldn't work in out in my marriage but it might be something that would work for you???
Three things... (1) like B'man says, the trust and belief I give my (at our hacienda we say Master) Master has in many ways elevated him, he has stepped up in so many ways. (2) the structure involved in our relationship carefully delineates exactly who is responsible for what and cleanliness lands squarely on my side of the line. In fact I get a bit twitchy if he ends up doing some cleaning because I start to feel like I have not been doing my job correctly. (3) And because he is the boss, what he decides to do or not do is his right. As his property I get to accept that little fact and stop steaming up the mirrors.
ReplyDeleteI would ask you why you personalize his lack of commitment to cleanliness, putting it into terms of "him respecting me". Just because he does not share your standards, it does not necessarily mean he does not respect you.
Hope that helps.
Sometimes submission comes in the form of accepting someone as he is. There are things my wife is too anxious about and she takes my leadership in learning how to let some things go.
ReplyDeleteIt's not uncommon for the man to be more laid back and the woman to want him to be more demanding, to share her anxiety and her frustration. If you choose for him to lead, then you have to accept his style.
Of course, you should tell him what concerns you. He needs to hear your respectful feedback.
Been thinkin bout this very same thing. JJ has some things that have bugged me for years, and as I was mulling over this a couple of days ago, I realized a couple of things.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I need to communicate to him respectfully. I have nagged, yelled, finally shut up, but it's still there. So, I need to prayerfully communicate my feelings. Secondly, I realized I am blessed to have such a wonderful man, and if this is all I have to do to have such a man, then so be it. I may not always have him around, so these minor details are insignificant in the whole scheme of things. I am fortunate to be able to serve him in picking up the slack/compensating for areas that he might be weak. It's what makes marriage a two way street. It's what marriage is made of.
If I dwell on the negative, I become angry, frustrated, and eventually bitter. But, a change of attitude makes us both better. That's where he steps in if necessary (which I hope isn't often).
If you are already married, the choice is made. If you aren't married yet, you need to decide if you are willing to spend your life with issues about him that bother you, and if you can accept him as he is. Marriage is give, give, give, till you have no more to give. In the end, you will receive rewards that far outweigh the little frustrating issues, if you choose to find a way to accept things and move on.
I choose to accept JJ as he is, try and work through the issues, but in the end, I will be content no matter what. I made my choice. Did I mention that occasionally I have to "eat" my words? LOL
Hope this helps,
Kady
dear delurker:
ReplyDeleteyour question as stated was good, but i would like to expand it to more important issues other than just cleanliness. you made a statement that resonated with me 'if the wife has the higher standards, does she have to lower them to those of her husband.'
this is a real concern of mine. B is a good man, i believe in him immensely and also believe that the lion of a leader will advance in time. however, i find myself getting scared that he will not hold me to a high enough standard where, IMO, it matters the most ... spiritually.
it seems incredibly inappropriate for me to even suggest disciplining him regardless of the issue, but even moreso for the purpose of challenging him to spiritual excellence. i dont know what the answer is, but i do know it involves a ton of prayer. something that i struggle with.
for me - in my rational and emotional stronger moments, i see the crown above his head and know that i can pray him into it. sometimes, i just wish i had more faith cuz i know it would be a bigger crown.
i was actually thinking in this vein the other day. First, i don't think it's an issue of "lowering your standards." But i do think it's important to decide How important your standards are and if they really require the HOH/Top?Dom/whatever you want to call him, to meet them. For example, is a trail of dirty socks something you can't live with, or is it best just to pick them up yourself and see it as an expression of your service? After 12 years of dirty socks, it as an expression of our dynamic that i pick them up. My standards are met, and there's no need to squabble over it. i have also found that pet peeves, no matter how strong they are, can be evolved as a relationship evolves.
ReplyDeletelil
Socks have been my biggest pet peeve. Not just that Ramon lets them drop wherever he takes them off, but that he and the kids peel them off inside out. How hard can it be to pull on the heel and toe of the sock when one takes them off? It bugged me because then I would have to reach into those smelly socks and turn them right side out before washing them (so they don't show lint). I was grousing about this to a good friend, and she told me that what she does it use it for an opportunity to pray. So now I pray things like "Thank you that I have a husband to dirty these socks" or "Thank you that Derek could wrestle in these socks" or "Please help Abby on her exam today" or "Please help Ramon feel better." To keep from becoming bitter over socks, I turned my laundry room into my cathedral.
ReplyDeleteAlex
Thanks to everyone for the good advice, and thanks to B'Man for posting my question. I guess it really comes down to communication and trust. And a good helping of prayer and forgiveness :)
ReplyDeleteLittle Missie: Thanks, you give some sound advice.
Audra: Yeah, the Spencer plan would never work for us either. I think it could be amusing though.
xantu: You bring up a very good point - why am I personalizing my boyfriend's cleanliness (or lack thereof?) I know that he respects me and he shows it to me in his words and actions. I need to express why cleanliness is important to me and then leave it to him, and stop taking offense at it.
Mick: True words. From your blog, I feel like you and my boyfriend would get along well. Just a feeling...
Kady: Yes, we have plenty to think about before we decide to get married - little pet peeves and dd are just a small bit of it :)
HiddenHalo: I agree - cleanliness is inconsequential compared to the bigger issues that I'm not sure I could submit to a future husband. Rather than thinking about it as needing to discipline him though, perhaps remembering that we are helpmates meant to encourage our boyfriend/husbands to higher heights? I wish you the best with B.
lil and Alex: Thanks for reminding me of opportunities to serve.
Thanks everyone for offering your insightful thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you Elegans for responding. I hope they were helpful for you. If you start blogging, let us know.
Didn't think I would, but I started blogging: http://maintainingelegans.wordpress.com/
ReplyDeleteThanks B'Man for the encouragement.