We WERE in a place. After I hit the after burners (ha-ha, no pun intended) last week and I took “ownership” of our advances in this new life, we were in a place somewhere high above the overlapping stresses and strains of stark personality differences; high above the bouts of depression and ensuing aggravation; high above the reverberating resentment that have characterized our nine year marriage down here below. We were, um, “floating in a most peculiar way” (Bowie 3:16), as we enjoyed perhaps the most fantastic weekend of our marriage. We WERE in a place.Most of my posts have originated from “up there” somewhere. But this particular report comes from down here on the ground. Why you ask? Because I stopped steering the ship; I turned off the ignition and crashed to the ground. Don’t worry, the damage isn’t permanent – at least it doesn’t appear to be. Repairs are in certainly in order and currently underway. The lesson I learned I had read a million different times on a thousand different blogs by a hundred different authors: “Do not promise a spanking and not follow through!!!”
Did I do that? Da-da-DUMMM….Yes, and with an added twist. I scheduled a “maintenance” spanking for SugarAnne for Sunday evening. She was NOT looking forward to this evening session. As a matter of fact she requested the spanking right then and there, before the lunch and movie we were headed out to see. “So I don’t have to think about it all day”, she said. But I wanted her to think about it all day.
But when she said that, I got to thinking about the day ahead – we were gonna have lunch; then go to a movie; then, when I got home, I was gonna “down a couple” while watching the football game. I’m thinking, “Shit! By the time it is time for her spanking I will be exhausted.” Yes, I had a case of advance laziness, if you will. I did not wait to not follow through on my spanking promise. I retracted said spanking right then and there. Even while I was saying the words – “I changed my mind” – I KNEW that it went against every developing Domdentity grain of my being. Promising and retracting is worse than not following through: I giveth, AND THEN, I taketh away?!
Well, that just took the wind right out of SugarAnne's sails. Everything went from colorful and radiant to drab and colorless. I mean the whole situation was just bad. It seemed like our old life was trying to squeeze it's way back in. Now, I know SugarAnne don’t like no pain. Who does? (Don’t answer that!). She has a bubonical-like avoidance of punishment spankings. But, she says, a spanking session – although painful – means that we will be spending time together. It means that intimacy and love and tenderness and – of course – passionate, if not wild, sex would follow. And she looks for ward to all of that.
As we talked about it on our way to a lunch we would lose our appetite for and a movie we’d choose not to see, she said she felt rejected. And she was upset to the point of tears afraid that it all (“this thing we do”) was over. I was upset with myself too. I do not want to even visit our old life. I had also put is in a challenging position. If I follow through now, she appears to be “topping from the bottom”. But if I don’t follow through, the integrity of my Domdentity is suspect. (I'll let you know what my corrective measures were but first I’d be interested in what others would suggest as a correction to this self-inflicted chink in the Domdentity armor).
The lesson learned is much broader than never doing this again. Because the lesson learned is: to always keep your promises; to always stay true to your word (a lesson that can and should be applied to every area of life); and to always, always follow through on a spanking! The lesson's learned and burned indelibly on my mind.
Dan Fogelberg said:
Lessons learned are like bridges burned
You only need to cross them but once
And then asks:
Is the knowledge gained worth the price of the pain?
Are the spoils worth the cost of the hunt?
The knowledge is worth the pain - though I’d never venture to do that again. And the rewards of “this thing we do” are definitely worth hunting out exactly who we are as we continue on in this experience.
Don't beat yourself up. You are both new at this. I would love if my HOH would read this and respond. It is a difficult place to be when you haven't followed through and get called on it.
ReplyDeleteThere's that question in your mind, the Should I spank now or would it really seem fake. My HOH has gone through it before and it never gets easier.
It is so hard to explain to an HOH the up and down feelings that accompany THIS THING WE DO. We want it to be perfect, yet we have to step back and realize that our HOH's aren't perfect and are also finding their way in this new life.
It is worth it, you both will grow into it and find a happier medium eventually.
One of the most important lessons I have learned this past year is "DONT PUSH". I had a more experienced HOH tell me this and he was right. I have to step back and remember not to top from the bottom and to let my HOH do things as he sees fit, even if it means disappointing me sometimes. I know that I am lucky enough to have an HOH who will eventually deal with me and that is what is important. That and the incredible closeness we have.
Good Luck to you both.
Thanks Janet. I'm not beating myself up too much. Although I tend to perfectionism, especially in new endeavors. I am making observations, learning lessons and trying to employ what I see and learn into our relationship and my developing Domdentity. I did move to correct the situation by, apologizing sincerely and taking responsibility for hiccup in our joy. Not much later I administered a spanking. And it wasn't a pity spanking either but a necessary one to spackle the self-inflicted crack in my own integrity. Yes, in a way she "suffered" for it and after doing the "eggshell walk" for a few hours we have recovered quite nicely. Thanks for your comments. They are always insightful.
ReplyDeleteJust my opinion, I think that it would have been ok at the point where she was disappointed and you realized you made a mistake to go ahead and just do it then and there. I wouldn't see it as topping from the bottom, but a caring response to her needs. TTWD has been hard work with lots of ups and downs for us too.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ally. Right then and there would have been in a restaurant. But essentially that's exactly what happened because it happened just after we arrived home. But honestly, it was more about my need at that point than her own. Fortunately both were taken care of in the process. Thanks for your comment.
ReplyDelete"If I follow through now, she appears to be “topping from the bottom”. But if I don't follow through, the integrity of my Domdentity is suspect."
ReplyDeleteI really disagree. That "topping from the bottom" concept is dangerous. If she tells you what to do when in a directive way, then she is controlling. If she tells you how she feels, what she thinks she needs, how things effect her, then she is giving you the info you need to make good decisions. You can't know what she does not tell you, and yes, you need to learn together and continue to communicate.
Thanks Sara. That is a solid point. I was thinking about that very thing as Sugar and I were taking this morning. I do not want to risk open and honest communication for fear of topping. I suppose the tone of the communication and situation will dictate whether or not it's topping. Thanks for your comment Sara.
ReplyDelete