I had intended a post called “Back in the Saddle Again” for today (I had even picked out the photo weeks ago) but I had to hit the brakes on that post to submit a question to you dear readers.
As you know we’ve been going through this nonsmoking exercise since before the beginning of the year. And thankfully (a blessing within a curse) SugarAnne was sick with the flu for the first week or so. This helped her resist smoking in the initial stages of very strong nicotine withdrawal. I have been careful to firmly warn, lovingly encourage and lavishly praise her for her success over the past couple of weeks. So now as we are head into the third week of the year and SugarAnne is back on her feet, she’s feeling better and momentum is moving her on to being the nonsmoker she desires to be. And this is all good.
But if ever one has rolled the dice, on this day SugarAnne surely has. As it turns out she HAS stopped smoking – BUT – she didn’t actually stop until the 7th day of the year – not the 1st as I had been continuously led to believe. She confessed with genuine teary-eyed contrition this morning that she had fallen prey to the “butt demon” a couple times that first week. She assures me – and I believe her – that she has not smoked in the past week.
There are a couple of things I’m taking into consideration in light of her confession and contrition. After all (“quiet as it’s kept”, as my grandfather use to say), I would’ve never known without her commendable confession and genuine contrition.
I’ve decided to multiple choice my question. What do you think in light of the above? Should I
(A) Administer the agreed upon life transforming, booty flaming punishment with the dreaded and genuine feared “shredder”?
(B) Administer a lesser plea bargained type punishment with the more booty palatable - yet painful when applied properly - “weapon of ass destruction?
(C) Along with total forgiveness (which she already has) issue an executive pardon and forsake the agreed upon punishment?
(D) Be totally selfish and punish her by making her do some of the “nasty slutty things” that gross her out but bring me great satisfaction?
(E) Combination of the above?
(F) Perhaps a different suggestion
I’d appreciate your comments and look forward to responding/reporting in detail what proceeding actually transpired. Her fate is not – I repeat – NOT in your hands. I’m fielding information from more experienced couples so that I might move in a way that is beneficial for our continuing DD experience.
Okay, let me tell you how my HOH deals with it. Although it is not smoking, I am addicted to Diet Coke, well for most that is no biggie, but with my health the caffeine that is in coke makes me very ill.
ReplyDeleteSo there is a huge no coke rule in our home. And like an idiot I broke it again yesterday.
The one thing I will not do is lie to my HOH. So last night before bed I confessed, then added the "at least I told you" defense.
His response is, I appreciate that you told me but had you not and had I found out you would receive the mother of all punishments. I know this is true and I also know that somehow I'd be found out or the guilt would make me tell him eventually.
Well I received the punishment that he laid out for drinking diet coke along with a personal attitude adjustment from him that I won't go into. In other words, no mercy when it comes to this. And honestly when dealing with addictions I believe that is what is needed. We aren't strong enough on our own to deal with it. And to offer any sort of reprieve because she fessed up I feel would just encourage her to try it again. I know it would with me.
So being in that situation before and knowing how it was dealt with I would have to say, don't back down. Give her what you feel is due and let her know that nothing will make you ease up on helping her through this.
And on another note.....hey, I just posted a "Back in the saddle again" post!!! But thats okay guess we all are getting there after the holidays!
GOOD LUCK!
I am curious, perhaps I missed it in my reading, is your wife using something other than spanking to help her kick the smoking habit? Also, in light of the fact you mentioned she is coughing, has she seen a Dr for medical monitoring a she stops smoking?
ReplyDeleteIt's just that my awareness of smoking is that nicotine is an addictive chemical and a such the additional support might be helpful. Not that spanking won't work, I have no idea if it will or won't. The only person who I am aware of who kicked an addiction without theraputic assistance via spanking turned out to be fictional.
As for what the punishment should be, ask her to write down her feelings about this post. Perhaps she has an idea about an appropriate punishment. I don't know if being thrashed works for me, seems excessive.
You know, I think this is really personal, and depends on how you both feel about it. DD is just not a one size fits all thing. If she felt., as Janet does. that if you don't deliver exactly as promised then you have backed off, let her down, and she will need to escalate to have you draw a line in the sand, well that pushes you one way. On the other hand, if she knows what she did, stopped, told you, and will not feel neglected or challenged, but rather appreciate your forgiveness. feel loved and understood, releived to be able to just start over without having to back up, then maybe that is best. My husband has gone both ways in similar circumstances. There have been times when him letting me off the hook moved me much more than any punishment would have. The focus was not on paying the debt, but on truly changing the behavior. His kindness and support motivated me to know I just could not and would not let him down again. You have to understand your wife, what will work best for her.
ReplyDeleteThanks Janet for letting me in on your experience with this type of situation. I resonate particularly with the comment:
ReplyDelete"Give her what you feel is due and let her know that nothing will make you ease up on helping her through this".
CD: SugarAnne has used an occassional nicotine lozenge to help her through this addiction. The cough is pretty much slowing down. It was the combination of the flu and giving up the smokes. I did struggle with whether it was reasonable to take on this addiction through DD. I wanted to be sure that I had the fortitude and perserverance that I would need to follow through. It turns out that I do. To this point DD has been much more effective than any previous method. Thanks for chiming in.
Sara: One of the things I had to sort out was what is the true purpose of OUR DD relationship. And making sure that my response to this situation feeds that purpose in the immediate and futhermore, not sabatoge it in the future. To that end an honest assessment of the personalities involved and how we operate in our relationship turns out to be critical. And yes I agree that "DD is not just a one size fits all thing". Thanks for offering.