"Pack It Up For Now?"

Well, he’s finally arrived. “Clyde”, that is. Showed up yesterday morning. With his intrusions: his big purse; his bad cramps; the burdened face; and those damn granny panties. His messenger however – PMS – pretty much disappeared for 2 days after I kicked his ass. Is that normal? A cure for PMS?! How can this be?! Or is it just part of this glorious honeymoon we’re on?

This is our first go around with this character in the house. I was wondering: how do you feel about giving spankings and/or receiving spankings during this dreaded intruder’s visit? Or do you prefer to just pack it up/be packed away until he leaves?



Photo Credit: katoeycrazy

"I Suspect 'Clyde' Is Coming Home"

If the slog was on schedule like he’s supposed to be, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. But sometimes he catches us by surprise. But even then it’s not so bad. Even then the worst part are the cramps. I used to chart his arrival but he’s just been too erratic over the past couple years. Rather than every 28 days, the bum shows up whenever he wants to. Most times he sends a messenger: depression, anxiety and – oh my God! – easy irritation and emotional hyper-sensitivity. “Clyde” himself is not so bad. But his messenger? I wanna kick his messenger’s ass. We have a sneaky suspicion that “Clyde”, her monthly “visitor” – that bum - is coming home. I’ve been trying to deal with this tramp’s intrusions for ten years. And for the most part he’s been flipping me off double time.

I imagine it COULD be the seasonal depression I mentioned in my previous post. Maybe I spoke too soon. Yesterday she woke up in a funk. She seems like she’s headed for the cliff. She’s doing everything she can to avoid the drop. She’s plugged in that huge sun lamp she bought last year. Light therapy they call it. The thing shines like a fucking nebula. Just the glow from under the bedroom door will have you absentmindedly pulling down shades and reaching for light switches all over the frickin house. I mean seriously! A little heavenly music and you’d think dear little baby Jesus – the LIGHT of the whole world – was in there with her. But it helps. I don’t think its depression though. I KNOW those storm clouds when I see them. I suspect “Clyde” is coming home.

I’ve been anticipating this challenge since we started exploring TTWD. I’ve wondered how I would approach it. I’m not asking a bunch of questions so I can locate the “problem” and announce it to her. When you tell a woman she’s PMSing it NEVER seems to help. No matter how right you are. Amen? Amen. I just want to let her know that she is loved – in spite of this nefarious visitor.

So I gave her a little boost physically – pressing my naked frame down upon her comforter-covered body. I jumpstarted her emotionally – singing a poor parody (and I mean poor) of “The Shadow of Your Smile”, i.e. “the shadow of my ass…” (because of that bright ass light casting a shadow on the curtains) “…is in the window”. It helped, if only a little bit. But I did notice a gleam in her eyes (in spite of the supernova over there) when just before I leaving for work I said, “Maybe I’ll rub your booty when I get home. That might make you feel better”. She looked up at me with a soft smile and a ray of hope and nodded, “Mm hm”.

When I got home she was still a bit bummed out. And “Clyde’s” not home – yet. Cool. She’s wearing regulation panties when I walk in the door. This is rare. But she promptly puts on her jeans. I figure she doesn’t want her wired spanko husband to get the wrong idea. The last thing she needs is a “good girl” spanking gone bad.

We have had two very difficult – for her and for me – punishment spankings last week. But last night I gave SugarAnne a lovingly firm, paddle peppered, over the knee “good girl” spanking of therapeutic proportions. Pushing her behind up on command she willingly took all that was given. And when I was done she willingly gave all that I could take. And she felt much, much better.

I still suspect “Clyde” is coming home. And he'll always intrude. But for right now, I’ve kicked his messenger’s ass!

A 21 Day Salute

It’s been 21 days since we seriously began exploring “this thing we do”. I’m still assessing my developing Domdentity. And SugarAnne her Subdentity, I suppose. We both must be wondering how far we may want this experiment to pervade our relationship. I’m personally wondering if this exploration will confirm us spankos, or perhaps, show us the swinging gate when the domestic discipline joy ride is over. And to that end I have to ask: Has this been good for us? Not just a good experience, but good – for our relationship.

Before we began this of TTWD our life was in serious – I mean serious – turmoil. We were barely speaking nearly 3 weeks running. We had “issues” but I couldn’t bring them up. SugarAnne suffers with depression – most notably as summer fades to fall. A bout of depression could be triggered at any moment. I had grown reluctant to address our issues for fear of triggering an episode. She “disappears” when she’s depressed. So I bottled up a lot of the things that concerned me. Consequently, I was lugging around a truckload of resentment and aggravation. Add to that our sex life. Nature, it seems, found great joy in dealing us the Joker. Some kind of cruel joke had been played on our sex life. What I desired – and needed – irritated her. And what she desired - and needed - she wouldn’t communicate. So I shut down – not strategically but as an unavoidable consequence.

We were in dire straights, living like two roommates who wanted to but couldn’t reach each other. Our marriage had always been built on three things: commitment to God; commitment to marriage; commitment to love. I began to check the structure of our marriage. The foundation was there: a commitment to God – still strong. But the pillars – commitment to marriage and commitment to love – were screaming for a sealant. Cracks were evident. I don’t like the idea of divorce – who does? But thoughts were beginning to sneak in to my consciousness. Then we had this talk.

Over the past 21 days exploring TTWD has been a spark to communication. As we seriously consider this lifestyle we have been inspired to share our feelings about it – both likes and dislikes. We have had open and honest communication on other things as well. We have had genuine love and affection. And we have made wild and passionate love.

If it were up to her they’d all be “good girl” erotic spankings. She “hates” the punishment spankings – I've had to give her two so far and another that seemed like a punishment – but she can’t deny the benefit: We’re in stupid love (tongue in cheek on the stupid).

I admit TTWD has been like a defibulator that has revived our relationship. A relationship neither of us wanna lose. Here’s a salute to 21 days of hope.

"Post Traumatic Spanking Disorder"

A simple task, that’s all it was: Call the doctor. Ask him about quitting smoking aids. Why couldn’t she just complete the assigned task? Then we wouldn’t be in this position. It was something that she said SHE wanted to do. It was something that she said she was GOING to do ANYWAY – even BEFORE it was an assigned task. I mean, how easy is that?! Just dial the number! There were other assigned tasks that were quite a bit more laborious than dialing a telephone. Dirty work I would classify them. They were all completed – and famously. But not a simple telephone call to the doctor.

I knew something was wrong the moment I walked in the door. But it didn’t crossed my mind that she hadn’t completed all of her tasks. I have been careful not too overburden her, careful to ease her into becoming more organized – more submissive to me. And careful to ease myself into becoming more direct – and Dominant for her. And also careful that I would not have to administer the dreaded “punishment spanking” before I was capable of administering the dreaded “punishment spanking”.

Well, the first official punishment spanking went badly last night. At least I’m consistent. There is actually evidence of PTSD (post traumatic spanking disorder). Simply little words are triggering it. Words like “lap” and “submit” and “puddle” (paddle) and “skank” (spank). Everyday images are triggering it: a football’s player congratulatory pat on a teammates bottom. Or it just rises out of nowhere, quite spontaneously, to the surface of consciousness from somewhere deep within. After a while the shallow breathing; the anxiety; the dry mouth; the pursed-lipped disdain; the head shaking disgust resides. But it returns. Hopefully with time it will fade away forever. But for now? PTSD: because another spanking has gone badly. Very, very badly.

Maybe I just wanted to get it done in a hurry. Bible study was starting soon and I didn’t want her to be asleep when all the guys left. Maybe I was just looking for tears. I like tears. Tears are good. But I’m supposed to know her threshold by now, aren’t I? I’m supposed to have the hang of this by now – at least you would think so.

When I asked her what was wrong she tried to hide behind the proverbial, “Nothing”. It couldn’t shield her. It was a “something ‘nothing’” – if you know what I mean. I pressed, but ended up letting it go for a bit. Allowing her to fulfill the need to hide in plain sight.

I shuffled through my normal get home routine and, as I encountered them, mentally noted that the day’s assigned tasks were completed. But when I asked SugarAnne whether she called the doctor the “Nothing” was unveiled to reveal the something. And I knew we were at a monumental moment in “this thing we do”. This is where everything began to seriously unravel.

She hemmed and hawed – quite reasonably I must say. I could tell she was feeling like she would be able to get out of it. It had to be done. It had to be done now. I’ve played out the scenario in my mind time after time. I know what punishment looks like and I know what punishment looks like for SugarAnne. I KNOW IT! I know it! Really I do! I also know the rewards – for her, for me, for us! So why couldn’t I pull the trigger?

Yes, she did receive a spanking. And yes, her anxieties and her frustrations and her disappointment in herself were removed. She even says she received what she needed from the proceedings. But we both know there is more to be had. They are few and far between, these punishment spankings – and I’m thankful for that. I guess I'll have to nail the landing on the next punishment go ‘round.

Score:
Technical Merit: 2 (more erotic than punishment in application)
Spanking Accuracy: 10 (good judgment, right time, right situation)
Artistic Expression: 5 (not enough anticipation, scolding, variety)

For now I’ll just have to deal with the shallow breathing; the anxiety; the dry mouth; the pursed-lipped personal disdain and the head shaking self-disgust. UGH! Don’t you just hate “post traumatic spanking disorder”?! I know I do.

I’m a bit steamed I blew an opportunity like this.

"A Developing 'Domdentity'"

I have noticed that sometimes my developing "Domdentity" – if I can coin a phrase (Google came up blank) is compelled and developed by external motivations. For example: Along with laying down rules numbers 1 and 2 last weekend, there was also rule number 3 (not that I’m numbering rules – it just happens to be the third one). On Saturday I explained to SugarAnne (by way of an “information spanking” – another post, for another time) that I had set a calendar notice on her phone to sound off 2 times a day, every day. This would begin on Tuesday. One of the notices, set for 9:00 a.m., is: “The buck (100%) starts here”. This is to be to her a reminder that any task that I may have asked of her that morning is to be given 100% effort as well as completed by end of the day. And I told her that if the task were not completed she would receive a spanking. By mistake I set the notice to go off on Monday rather than Tuesday. And to my surprise, SugarAnne blasted a text message in to me at 9:30 a.m. asking, “What do you want me to give 100% to today?” Since this was a new experience, I had no files on my mental hard drive for her submissive initiative. It was easy to answer the question but initially I caught myself thinking: Huh? Uhh (swallow), hmm let me see? I was not expecting this initiative. Frankly, even on Tuesday I would not have expected SugarAnne to text or telephone or email with said submissive query. I quickly got a hold of myself and texted a response to her. I mentally clicked on “save” and stored the experience in my Domdentity folder to be used at a later date. I named the file: “When SugarAnne has submissive initiatives”. My Domdentity was being developed and compelled externally by her submissiveness.

Other times, I’ve noticed, my Domdentity is developed and compelled by internal motivations. For example: Before SugarAnne and me became a couple nearly 15 years ago, we each had a long and storied history of extensive drug use. We haven’t used, either of us, since we’ve been a couple but she has led on every now and then that she’s kinda hankering to smoke a little weed. And the other night she when she asked for permission to smoke a little, I pulled up my “When SugarAnne has submissive initiatives” file, thinking that that’s what this situation called for. We talked and I agreed with her that she might find it satisfying. I agreed with her that perhaps it would be immediately beneficial for some ailments and conditions that she wrestles with. Here’s where I differed: I personally feel certain that it would eventually be detrimental to her and to our relationship as well. She didn’t necessarily agree. She didn’t disagree. No matter. I let her know that if she smoked she would receive a spanking and be well spanked. My Domdentity was being developed and compelled by something internal this time. Namely, my responsibility to love and protect her. That "file" had already been created. This convergence of external and internal motivations was monumental for me and makes at least one thing abundantly clear: a large – HUGE – part of my developing Domdentity and purpose in this relationship is to make sure that I am careful to look for, to see, to know and to put forth that which is best for SugarAnne. I pray that "file" continues to be the largest file on my mental hard drive as we grow in “this thing we do”.

I am always looking to see if I might be able discern my developing Domdentity. I’m trying to find out where, in terms of mental makeup, I land on the spectrum as a dominant in “this thing we do”. Am I a cold and harsh dominant; or am I a kind and gentle dominant? Am I a firm and consistent dominant; or am I a soft and erratic dominant? Or somewhere in between? Does thinking about all of this indicate over-thoughtfulness? And does thoughtfulness indicate an approximate location on the spectrum?