"A Desperate Struggle"

There is a desperate struggle going on. She thinks I don’t see it. But I do. Most of the time it doesn’t manifest clearly. But every now and then it bubbles up to the surface: the “butt demon” . The “butt demon" is yet ever present, passage of time notwithstanding. He may not be as frequently obvious as he was in the beginning with the physical demands of withdrawal. He may not have the constant intensity with the combativeness that characterized his earlier onslaughts. But he is still there. Working on Sugar's mind. Ready to pounce upon her at any given moment. He stands ready to pounce at any opportunity of unfulfilled legitimate need – whether emotional, physical or spiritual. He stands ready to substitute his illegitimate solution and fill any void with the fleet of foot satisfaction he offers.



Isn’t that always the case with whatever “demon” we’re dealing with? He works on your mind. You don’t have a romantic relationship? He works on your mind to fill the legitimate void with an illegitimate need: promiscuous sex. You need comfort and soothing because you’re going through some traumatic life event? He works on your mind to fill the legitimate void with an illegitimate need: alcohol and drugs. You feeling ungrounded spiritually? He works on your mind to fill the legitimate void with an illegitimate need: the first cult that bends your ear and makes you feel good. You don’t have solid platonic companionships? He works on your mind to fill the legitimate void with an illegitimate need: food - lots and lots of food.


He’s working on her mind. I can see it. I can hear it. She’s beginning to say things like, “When I fall” or “When I crack”. These are not words that are pleasant to my ears. They are not pleasant to my soul. And they are not good indicators. Last week she went out and did a relatively aggressive (undisclosed) thing in an attempt to get a cigarette. Luckily she was not successful. But she did linger dangerously close to the edge. Dangerously close to that first drip of water that may quench her parched and delinquent tongue in the moment, but over time, turns into a deluge of disappointment. And feelings of failure will have her thirsting again for the self esteem she’s (we’ve) captured in this young year.


In our relationship – in many marital relationships – spiritual and emotional needs coincide sometimes in the physical expressions of love. The other day she teased me, “I’m in the prime of my sex life”, said she. She said it like I couldn’t keep up with her. And that became abundantly clear when she followed up with, “You went through your prime when you were nineteen” (a stereotypical statement – not meant to harm). The idea that women are in their sexual prime in their 40’s and men in their early 20’s is something that I’ve heard all my life. When I was in my early 20’s and it was to my advantage – I bought it. Now that I’m on “this” side of things, I can’t say I’m sold on this idea (theory? Crap?) like I was sold on it when I had the “tomcatting” energies of a younger man. Nevertheless, I do have to agree that it appears – particularly since we’ve begun TTWD – that SugarAnne IS in the prime of her sex life (YaY!!). Since October of last year – right up until we got sick at New Year’s – she has been quite the firecracker. And things have picked up again now that we’re feeling normal again. We ARE intimate. And we are intimate often. Very often. After coming out of a bout with “Clyde” last week, I recognized her need (and the “butt demon’s” work) and (quite sacrificially – hee hee) I offered myself up for service. Hey, just fulfilling my responsibility (soft smile). And yet, legitimate voids can still be overlooked sometimes. But I don't think there is a problem in that category.


I’ve been trying to help best I can. Trying to make sure that I’m everything I’m supposed to be in this relationship (understanding that no one can be EVERYTHING to someone). I’m keeping my eyes open for opportunities to help. Opportunities to offset the mental machinations of the “butt demon”. Opportunities to comfort, encourage, inspire and instill confidence.

I am rooting for her frantically and praying for her feverishly. I know she can do this!